


heal the wounds or crack the shell

by MajorinMonster



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, also just to be on the safe side tw for nightmares, also the second chapter is now officially slash i guess, could be considered pre-slash, just sort of implied, though nothing violent is really discussed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-18
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2018-01-19 19:40:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1481608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorinMonster/pseuds/MajorinMonster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Bucky has a nightmare after he gets his memories back Steve isn't there to see it. He’s pacing the corridors outside Bucky’s room in one of Natasha’s safe houses, but the walls are soundproof and he doesn't hear Bucky screaming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Propane Nightmares by Pendulum. Feel free to let me know if there are any mistakes, I don't have a beta :)

The first time Bucky has a nightmare after he gets his memories back Steve isn’t there to see it. He’s pacing the corridors outside Bucky’s room in one of Natasha’s safe houses, but the walls are soundproof and he doesn’t hear Bucky screaming.

The second time it happens Bucky is in Steve’s bed. They’ve been sleeping in the same bed since they left the safe house, sharing warmth like they had done as children. They’re back to back until suddenly they’re not and Steve is half pinned to the mattress, struggling against Bucky’s flailing arms. “Buck,” He gasps, wincing as he takes a fist to the chin, squirming until he can roll over and pin his best friend’s arms. _Note to self,_ he thinks as Bucky’s knees pull upwards against his own chest and a leg shoots out, sole panted against Steve’s sternum, _don't try to pin the traumatized ex-assassin._ A second later he is against the wall on the opposite side of the room and Bucky is sat up, staring at him with wide, blank eyes.

“Buck?” Steve rubs his aching side, eyes on Bucky. There is no answer and Steve lets the silence sit for a little while, knowing it would probably make things worse if he started shouting.

Eventually Steve heaves himself up, approaches Bucky carefully and waits for him to come down from wherever the terror has taken him. It takes a while. _Too long_ , Steve thinks, ready to run for the phone or try something stupid like shaking him out of it. But before he can move any further Bucky is blinking, swallowing hard and lunging for the gun he keeps on the bedside table.

Steve knows Bucky won’t blame him for flinching when his mind is clearer but he feels awful as soon as it happens. He tries not to wince when Bucky’s misery deepens just a little bit more. Steve watches as Bucky methodologically strips the gun and then builds it up again, hands working the metal easily until he’s finished. Steve wonders what it was about the nightmare that spooked him into checking his weapon, or if it is just something to keep his hands busy while his mind calms. Bucky places the finished product back on the bedside table and gingerly lies back on the bed, back to Steve. The line of his spine is almost hostile, a clear warning that Steve should just do the same.

“We could talk-“

“No,”

“I just want to-“

“ **No** ,”

Steve, at a loss for words, sits down quietly, waiting for Bucky to fall asleep again. It takes a while but as Bucky’s back relaxes a little more each minute, Steve eases back against the headboard, stifling a yawn as he glances out of the window at the full moon. He plays sentry that night, and for y nights to come, hoping it’ll make a difference, that he can guard Bucky against whatever is haunting his head. And whether its luck, coincidence or the magical powers of Steve’s no-bad-dreams-allowed stare, Steve isn’t sure. But Bucky sleeps through the rest of the night and that’s good enough for him.

Eventually Bucky will break. Steve knows that. It happened when they were younger, after Bucky had seen Steve in the middle of an asthma attack so y times that they began to invade his dreams, taunting him and showing him a hundred ways that Steve could die before he reached his 18th birthday. The nightmares had returned during the war when Bucky was certain one day he’d be somewhere fighting Nazi soldiers and Steve would be gone when he got back, laying in a dark grave somewhere.

Both times there had been a moment where Bucky had pushed Steve away as far as he possibly could without severing the invisible string that had tied them together for as long as they had known each other. And both times there had been a moment when Bucky had given in, curled himself in a ball by Steve and talked until the sun came up the next morning.

After sleeping for 70 years Steve has patience pouring out of his ears and he knows he can wait his best friend out. Bucky became the Winter Soldier, he was haunted by things that the other part of him had done, but he was still Bucky and Steve had more faith in his best friend than he had in himself most days. And when it came down to it sentry duty for a few weeks wasn’t so bad compared to the feeling of not having Bucky next to him in bed. Steve would carve mountains through the earth and climb them a thousand times before he’d let that happen again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (spoilers in this sentence in case anyone hates that) Some slash and a very short discussion of LGBTQ+ issues. also omg super cheesy at the end :') it deserves it's own warning.

James ‘Bucky’ Barnes does not have a monopoly on nightmares, Steve is certain about this. Steve has plenty of them himself; he knows Natasha has them, as well as Tony and Sam. He assumes Bruce and Clint both have them. Natasha, Bucky and Tony sometimes have nightmares on the same night and if he and Bucky are at Tony’s new house, it’s like one scream triggers another. Steve doesn’t like comparing his own nightmares to theirs. He’s been through a lot but he’s never been turned into an assassin or free floated in space.

By now Steve and Sam have both become experts in late night hot chocolate and cookies. They bake every other day when they get the chance, because Natasha’s sweet tooth can be a killer when she’s coming down from a nightmare-fuelled adrenaline rush. Steve knows there are rumours in the media and among their fan population that they all huddle in beds together and have movie nights.

He hates playing into stereotypes. And he wishes he could say that it wasn’t true but he can remember one time in particular, about two months after Bucky had regained his memories, when the rest of the group found out neither of them had seen the more recent Disney films.

And yes. Steve admits. The night had ended in an awkward sort of falling asleep on each other thing. Steve still blushes sometimes when he thinks of Tony’s awkward morning… _err problem_ , Steve decides, _we’ll call it problem_. So yes, they have each other’s backs on the field as well as off of it. They don’t all live together, Natasha and Clint both stay at Clint’s most of the time, Sam has his own place and Steve and Bucky stay at Steve’s apartment. Tony and Pepper have moved into a bigger house than their last, with extra bedrooms for sleep overs and they all have a standing invitation with minor exceptions (Or, as Tony likes to call it the ‘Pepper is a screamer rule’). Steve has no idea where Bruce lives. He assumes it's somewhere less public and possibly more smash-proof.

When he and Bucky are alone they always sleep in the same bed. It tends to be the nights when Bucky doesn’t have nightmares that Steve does and they’ve found it works better if there’s someone else in the bed. It’s kind of a relief, that at least one of them is always in the right mind to be the big spoon if it’s needed. Steve had been right about Bucky breaking down and coming clean. He’d told Steve everything he could want to know and some things he wished he didn’t but had listened to all the same.

It’s made things better between them, though Bucky still pushes Steve away sometimes and Steve still has pangs of guilt over being unable to save his best friend. They bicker like teenagers, pushing each other around and watching stupid cartoons together until four in the morning and it’s nice. It reminds Steve of how things used to be, only with the addition of a metal arm and more technology. Also lots of PTSD. But they cope, and it gets better, eventually. Sometimes Steve can even throw a ball of wadded up paper at Bucky and _not_ get pinned to a wall. He doesn’t do it on purpose, and he beats himself up hard afterwards, though Buck rarely holds it against him, but it’s so easy to slip into their old ways that sometimes Steve just forgets that all the bad stuff has happened.

Things have been getting a little weird between them though, sometimes Steve will look up and Bucky is just staring at him with this soft look in her eyes. They pretend it doesn't happen but Steve has caught himself with the same look on his face when Bucky is unaware of his eyes.

“What do you want for dinner?” Steve flops onto the couch next to a slouching Bucky, prodding him gently on his non-metallic arm.

“No more thai food,” Bucky groans, “I know you have your list to see to but man if I eat more Thai food I’m going to be stuck to the toilet.”

“Bucky!” Steve groans and covers his face, “Some things even best friends don’t need to know,”

“Whatever, you love me,”

They both enter a kind of still moment and Steve isn’t sure either of them takes a breath for a good fifteen seconds.

“Yeah,” Steve clears his throat, “I do. So, Chinese?”

“Steve-“

“I mean, I know you love sushi, which is still weird by the way, but I’m in the mood for sweet and sour,” Steve jumps up, heading for the take out menus in the kitchen.

“Are we going to talk about this?”

“Nope,” It’s funny how their situations are reversed so easily.

“We should really talk about this,”

When Steve turns around Bucky is there, having moved silently from the couch.

“I don’t wanna talk,” Steve shrugs, “We don’t need to,”

“Ok,” Bucky narrows his eyes, “No talking then. I can work with that,” He moves forward, fast enough that Steve knows what he’s doing straight away but slow enough that Steve would have plenty of time to move away if he wanted to. It was a soft kiss, just a simple press of lips and over in three seconds, leaving Bucky’s face close to his, foreheads resting together. “You know it isn’t illegal in this time,”

“That’s not the issue Buck,”

“Then what is?”

“Losing you…it’s like losing a limb,” Bucky raises an eyebrow with a pointed glance at his metal arm, “You know what I mean. If we were…romantic like that, and something happened, I don’t know if that’s something I could come back from,”

“How did you deal after Peggy?” Bucky asks, leaning back a bit so he can examine Steve properly.

“Peggy…” Steve smiles slightly, “I didn’t deal, not really. She’s alive and she’s had an amazing life and she’s still as beautiful as the day I first saw her. I’ll always love her Buck, that’s just how it works, but you and me, we’re a different story,”

“You don’t have to be conflicted about who you’re attracted to, you know that right? There are more words these days, to describe people like us. Queer, questioning, bisexual, pansexual…”

“I know Buck,” Steve laughs, “I got the lecture from Tony after the mess with Loki. He made a powerpoint and flash cards. I don’t know if he expected me to be homophobic or something but he didn’t expect a coming out speech,”

“That’s my boy,” Bucky snorts, “Captain America, an icon of the free world, looked up to by outcasts and religious zealots alike. You gonna do a big speech?”

“Maybe, if it’ll help kids, people like us. I think I’d like that,”

“You know this conversation is getting mighty deep. Mostly I just wanted to make out with you,” Bucky sighs wistfully, eyes twinkling.

“Is that all I’m good for?” Steve touches his chest, blinking round eyes.

“Yep,” Bucky grins. Steve kisses him again then, pushes his back against the counter and clasping a hand against his neck to keep them close. He knows the conversation he's still avoiding will come in time, where he'll have to talk proper feelings and they'll have to work out relationship stuff, and with Bucky's determination it's more likely to be sooner than later, but it can be put off for a little longer.

Nightmares suck, but Steve thinks, as cheesy as it is (and Bucky relishes telling him exactly how cheesy) dreams help a lot, and sometimes they even come true.


End file.
